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Really letting go

Yay for eating what you want!

Usually I have a lot of discipline and self control. When I commit to working out, I never skip a day. When I commit to eating healthy, I never get tempted. When I choose a certain skin care regime I make sure I never run out of a product and when I commit to having a baby, I do everything I can do to make my body the best environment for a baby to grow and make sure my mind is educated. But lately I don't really care anymore. 

I eat whatever,whenever I feel like it. I've been visiting that sushi restaurant in the city more than ever. I haven't even touched a dumbell in weeks. I'm tired of the fact that every part of my life has everything to do with being healthy for baby and has almost nothing to do with me. Don't get me wrong. Having this baby is important to me but truly relaxing and enjoying (what could be my last months of) "freedom" is important too. I just don't want TTC to be all consuming anymore and I'm embarrassed to say that it has been so far. I say, no more. No more visiting a psychiatrist that charges a ridiculous amount of money per hour to tell me what I already know. No more guilt when Burger king is visited instead of Juice Queen. No more guilt when I forget to take folic acid once every 7 months and no more pregnancy paranoia before I even get a positive test. 

 TTC is hard enough without wanting to be super mom before you've even conceived. Let me tell you right of the bat, there's no such thing. But if you're anything like me you demand so much of yourself that it's exhausting. Since I'm a control freak,  infertility has definitely pushed me to my limits but I decided that I'm done with this controlling behavior. There's no way I can control every single aspect of my life. It doesn't matter how well I manage my time, carreer, marriage, fertility meds, budget or exercise I have no control over when this baby is going to be conceived or when it's going to be born and the time has come for me to accept this.

I think it's safe to say that after all these months I'm cutting myself some slack. It dawned on me that this phase of my life is just as special as the mommy phase. They both have their charms and challenges. But it's up to us to cherish them both. There's no doubt you'll be thinking about this time of your life when you're rocking a colicky baby to sleep. The bottomline is that I've learned to accept my situation and I accept that I am not in control.  It took me a while to really come to terms with this. It feels like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

TTC has been more then misery to me. 
It taught me that most of life's miracles simply cannot be forced.

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Thank you so much for reading my blog. Let me know what you think! - Jill