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7.10.11

Not sad but not happy either

If she's infertile she's probably crying her eyes out
http://theasparagusclub.wordpress.com

AF started all by herself.  My back hurts, I've broken out like crazy and I just feel like death on toast. Thanks Duphaston. This cycle was 32 days long which is perfect but like every infertile knows, it's definitely bittersweet. I'm happy that my body is functioning (or is pretending to function) normally but I'm not happy because AF means another month of harsh failure. My uterus might as well kick me in the face.

As I'm entering cycle 21 and my second cycle of Clomid I really feel like giving up. But realistically I know there's no such thing as giving up when you're TTC. What does does giving up even mean in our situation? Going on birth control again? Well, that wouldn't make sense would it now considering we are basically our own birth control.

I completely ran out of tears months ago but the pain of a negative test and having to buy tampons yet again is very present still. Especially since there's been this wave of births in my environment. Of course I'm happy for those women. Not being happy for other people's blessings would be negative and selfish and that's really not my style. But I just wish I too felt butterflies in my stomach everytime I passed a mirror and saw my growing bump. I wish I too could feel exitement and a little anxiousness for the upcoming birth of my first child. That's all. Everytime I get my period my body reminds me that these things are just dreams and they will stay that way for yet another month.

I know infertility is not my fault but I feel like a complete and utter loser. I'm having this much trouble with something people have been doing for billions of years...It sucks. But I don't have to tell you that. You already know

I still try to have a positive outlook but i'm just trying to figure out how to get trough the next couple of months. I've done everything people tell you to do when you want to conceive. I lost weight, changed my eating habits, exercise regularly, do yoga, take fertility meds. I even see a shrink every week.

What the hell is a girl to do? It's quite depressing really.
If our doctor does give us the green light to go ahead with IUI it would give me so much hope.

And that's really the only thing we need more of right now.
Hope


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Thank you so much for reading my blog. Let me know what you think! - Jill