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30.5.11

Where's my freakin' miracle?!


I wish I could tell you guys that me and my husband are happy to announce that we're expecting. But I still can't. It'll be our 16 month TTC anniversary in 6 days and I'm completely depressed. I am seeing a psychiatrist and all but the best thing that could happen to my mental health at the moment would be getting pregnant. I thought I was as strong as the girls who TTC 4 years or longer, but I can't deal with it. I could if I wasn't thinking about a baby 24/7. It's basically all I think about and I want my brain back. 

It's hard to explain how I feel to people that pop out babies like they're daisies. But when I say a baby is all I think about, I do mean it's all I think about. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I'll probably have a dream about babies too.  I know I should try to relax because when I do get pregnant, I'll probably think about that all the time and when the baby is born I'll probably think about him/her all day too. But my mind just doesn't want to give me a day off.

Another thing I find challenging about TTC is that when people get pregnant unexpectedly, the journey starts when they see the second line pop up on their pregnancy test. For us TTCers, the journey usually starts years prior to a positive test and that's what makes it so tiring. First we have to wait to get pregnant, then we have to wait for the 13 week mark to pass, then we have to weight for the gender scan, then we have to wait for the 20 week scan and then we have to wait to give birth. So a woman that has been TTC for 3 years and gets pregnant is basically emotionally preparing on her baby's arrival for 3 years and 40 weeks.

In many ways, trying to conceive is a war of attrition. 

What's even harder to deal with for me is that even when 
I've experienced a pregnancy and I'm finally holding my baby in my arms,
I'll always be infertile. 



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Thank you so much for reading my blog. Let me know what you think! - Jill