Blog Archive


Ugh, not this day again

Here's a shout out to all the women who should've became mothers years ago but had nature fuck them over. To the women who've been trough a massive amount of poking, prodding and testing without it amounting to anything. To those who've cried their eyes out in the bathroom at babyshowers.

Good god, what's the return policy on this thing.

You may not be cuddling your newborn, but at least you can cuddle a bottle of Vodka without being judged today. Happy "fuck it, i'm giving up on this whole becoming a mother thing, at least for this month. Until I see a happy mom and want a kid again" day, you sassy women.

I can't believe i've lived to see another mothersday without getting closer to becoming one myself.  I've actually gotten further away from it, like i'm in the red when it comes to my fertility credits.

On a completey unrelated note; I dyed my hair black again.

Look how mournful I look! This is the face of someone who just realized she is going to have to tell her future boyfriend about her botched ovaries.

But wait, nevermind. I'll safe my thoughts about dating while being infertile for my next post. Wow, this should be interesting!



There's no "guy" in "Independence"

Independence for the win! I still need someone to fix my intercom though.

How the hell did I go from being married and trying to get pregnant to being a single woman living in a kick ass appartment? Well, I'll keep it short and sweet.

 I was happily married and I still think weddings are an awesome excuse to get drunk in front of family members. But I feel like all the odds were against us. We have completely different personalities, we see life in two different lights, we were young and I am infertile. The final nail in the preverbial coffin isn't even being barren though, it's our clashing personalities. Sure, we were always very aware of the fact that he is the business-y, non creative type and I'm the type who still believes a unicorn will show up and take me away to the land of fairies and fake nails on my lunch break. 

Take me to your leader.

Then there's the soul searching thing. I have been with this man for half my teen years and my entire adult life. I felt like I owe it to myself to find my independence.  I didn't want to be the woman who at 40 realizes her identity was always tied to being someone's something. This whole experience is uncomfortable, extremely confrontational and I love every second of it. I can look back in god knows how many years and say: See how brave I was. I realized I wasn't happy and instead of telling myself it'll pass or pointing any fingers, I took charge.

What would you have done if you did have baby you might ask. Well. I would've done what most people do. I would've gotten the hell over myself for the kid's sake. But I don't have a kid, so I don't have to. I have no idea where things'll go from here. All I know is that change is constant and that I'm excited for whatever awesome things may happen.

 I've never felt more terrified alive


Out with the old, in with the blue

It´s weird to write again after all of these months. Maybe even a little awkward, like bumping into an old boyfriend at a bad party. I took a quick glance at my previous posts and it made me realize how much things have changed in just a matter of months. I went from being a baby obsessed , married housewife to a single, blue haired full - time working woman who considers herself lucky if she finds time to eat. I have to admit, I'm still pretty baby obsessed but ssst, don't tell anyone. How the hell am I supposed to find a date that way. Don't be a cockblocker.

See, I was dead serious about the blue hair.

  People who know i'm infertile keep telling me that life has more to offer than reproduction. That i'll find ways to fill that void in my life. Whether those ways be travelling, partying, shopping or taking up a freakishly awesome hobby like knitting. But how right are they? In the end it doesn't matter how cool a trip to Cabo is, it will never make you forget you´re dealing with a chronic condition. Unless you empty the mini bar. Which I find a perfectly acceptable way to deal with things sometimes too, it just sucks that the forgetfulness is temporary.

My point is that there's a big difference between making a concious choice not to have kids and having nature make that choice for you.

I'm 22,  live in a beautiful appartament and have an amazing social life. But at the end of the day, when I kick my impractical heels off and look in the mirror I feel exactly what I felt years ago. Empty. 

I'm still figuring out what the hell to do with myself.

This idiotically unpredictable chapter in my life might make for a good blogread and you're cordially invited to take this journey with me. Imagine us whining about babies men, life, sex and bad fashion choices while drinking wine and eating brie. That's exactly what readig my blog'll be like.